Long Time No Post.

May 19, 2011

It has been over a month since I have visited this URL. I am glad that my computer remembers it in the search bar, or I may have not been able to navigate my way back. I think it would suffice to say that my quiet times have been severely lacking, and that I have had entirely too much time to be in my own head. I think I am getting a cold...in May. For some reason that irks me. I feel like I definitely need to get back in the writing habit, it keeps me a little more balance in the cabeza, and because all my avid readers are just aching for more titillating words from a tenacious girl (I really just wanted to use those two words, switch them if you would like.)

Crazy- Gnarles Barkley
Oh man, I was sitting here thinking to myself "I am going crazy...craaaazy.....craaaazaaaaay." So naturally I turned on this little ditty. I have, honestly, felt sorta crazy the past month. I talked about this with Amo recently, and maybe a better word for it is "restless." I have just had this butterfly-y "gotta get out" feeling. It's really hard to deal with, and it's even harder to explain. I have no idea where it's coming from, but the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is just sitting still, just "being." I just sit and think, and then want to do. But al the things I want to do are unrealistic or just plain crazy.
Holy cow! I want to be content, or be content with being content. I don't think it's a boy thing, or a friend thing, or an anything-thing. I just feel like I need to move, at this very second I am shaking my legs beneath my keyboard. I don't think talking about it would help, talking makes me think, thinking makes me do, and then realizing I can't do makes me antsy.
ANTS IN MY PANTS!

I need this now more than ever:
PSALM 4:8
 In peace I will lie down and sleep,
   for you alone, LORD,
   make me dwell in safety


I can't wait for camp, or a sound sleep. Whichever comes first.

Something A Little Different

April 5, 2011


These past couple days have been a teeny bit draining. I've been reading the Psalms and I will write about them, just not today.


Someone close questioned who I was becoming, based on decisions I have made and are continuing to make. It bothered me, I wanted them to be ok with what I was doing. But the more I think about it, the less important that becomes to me. The only person I need to be seeking acceptance from, has already granted it. I want to live my life for me and even more so for Him. I want to make Him proud, but He already is because He calls me His. My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart. I know that while in Heaven He stands, no tongue can bid me thence depart.


I am not justified or saved by anything that I do. I need to be a receiver of grace and not just a recipient of it. I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know, at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior.


I love my God, and He loves me, not for any reason that I have made, done, or will do. I am loved, because I'm His. "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."


SHUT ME UP, Lord! Let me bask and frolic in the fruits of Your labor and grace. 


A potential tattoo in the making:


Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Matthew 6:26


enjoy!

Up On A Mountain- The Welcome Wagon

March 30- April 2


Be ready for a verbal up-chuck. God, I'm leaning on You for strength here, and I feel so weary. I know it'll be ok, but it's hard to see the end right now. 


Up On A Mountain
Where to even begin? This week has been hard in a lot of different ways, and most of them are my fault. Procrastinating, not sleeping, and self-inflicted heart pains. This song isn't one that I have listened to a lot, but it was the one on my mind when I started writing today. I don't see it as a coincidence. The lyrics are wonderful and so helpful. The band is good and has a consistent sound, and I think the way they work with the lyrics is one of the most comforting things that the song has to offer. 


In a nut shell, the song is about all the parts that make up our one God. Verse one, it's God talking and wanting us to stay with Him. Stay close and stay safe. Verse two, is Jesus carrying our burdens and descending from Heaven to save us. Verse three, is the Holy Spirit being with us and loving us. The whole song is telling of His love. He wants us safe, carries our burdens, and is with us all of the time.


I can't help but cry when I listen. Some of that may be because I am a girl and that's what we do, another reason is that realizing the love and sacrifice that He made is so intense, like actually acknowledging that He died for me, Annie-Grace Maria Shaffer. He suffered a painful death, a death reserved for criminals. And He did that so I would know that I am never alone, He did that so I know that He will never be far. He proved that with the Holy Spirit in my life. Working and comforting and convicting. And right now, it's the last verse that I want to replay over and over again.


"Up in the heavens our Lord prays for you
He sent his spirit to carry us through
So it's true that you're not alone
Do you know He came all the way down?"

I have a text message that I have deleted, stopped writing, or just have had just sitting on my screen waiting to be sent. I have been praying for strength to get through it, not over it. I need to know that I'm not alone. I want to be Yours, forever. I want to be with You, always. I need you, now more than ever.

A Plethora of Psalms

This will be the first time that I haven't used biblegateway.com to look up the Psalms. Look at me, using the actual book. I don't know why I thought that was important, but I felt like it was. Maybe having the Bible in my hands is a way to feel closer. Anyway, here we go.

Twenty:

David is writing this Psalm as a prayer for victory in battle. I think reading this now, definitely changes the way I want to look at it. I think a lot of time we pray for victories in our struggles. For a good grade on a test, for things to work out well, for a win in a game, for various different challenges. I also know that once those are accomplished, I am not as thankful as I should be, even in the smallest things. I was sitting at Belmont last weekend, watching the "best of the best showcase" and it hit me, there are so many talented people in the world. 

That got me to thinking about the things I was good at, and I couldn't think of anything too impressive (this is not a dig at me, just what I was looking at). Now, I know that I have quirks and I know that I have them for a reason, my silliness is just a gift as the people who sang at the showcase. Then my mid wandered to, I wonder if they saw their talents as gifts or as rights. God, grants us all amazing things, and the most precious are the ones that are IN us. He gives us things so we can use them to glorify Him. 

That's a big part of why God tries to make odds that look impossible. So when we are victorious, we give all the glory back to Him, and realize it was nothing we did. Verse seven says: Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

It's not what I do, it's what He does. It's not what I have accomplished, but the things He has worked through me. 

Twenty-One:

This Psalm is the praise for a victory in the previous Psalm. Simply put this Psalm is acknowledging the "who" that was victorious. God was, is, and will always be the champion. And we get all of the perks of that. When Jesus died, He took all of our shame and ugliness, and we received all of His greatness. He substituted Himself, so that we could live, victorious.

"Be exalted, O Lord, In your strength; we will sing and praise your might." Psalm 21:13

Twenty-Two:

The first part of what David writes is pretty much how Christ died, which like I said earlier, a terrible way to die. In my study Bible, the theme of this Psalm is the depiction of God carrying us from great suffering to an even greater joy. Around the twenty-second verse, David switches gear. He starts talking about how he is going to tell everyone about how God saved him. My notes say that "David would praise God in  the congregation because his private deliverance deserved public testimony. God wonderfully delivers us in quiet moments when we are hurting, and we must be prepared to offer public praise to his care."

I would have to say, that is what this blog is. A way to work through my personal struggles by writing, and a way of seeing where He is in all this. Where He's working and it gives me an opportunity to be glad at the end of all of it. I spend a lot of time wondering where He is, and going back and rereading what He has done and where He is speaking truths is so helpful. 

To quote Bradley Hathaway "I praise you because you're different, and efficient." God, who else would pick as random of ways of talking to us as You do? It's so incredibly personal, and You know exactly how to do it. Thank You, so much for knowing me as well as You do.

Twenty-Three:

I couldn't think of a better way to end this post. It's hard times, and we all experience them. But He has not only already walked trough them, He is right there with me when I go through them too. It's hope we have, and security. My soul is safe because it's invested in the only One who can put death in its place. I will not be afraid, but confident. 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his namesake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

So it's true that you're not alone

Do you know He came all the way down.

 Up On A Mountain

Electric Feel- Katy Perry

March 29, 2011


Today was a pretty good day. I got a chance to go to bible study, which was so great. It is amazing to see God working in and through the lives of these girls. I am so glad that I have the opportunity to share life with them, they are so encouraging and all-around beautiful people.


Tune-age: Electric Feel
I thoroughly enjoy this song done by its original artist (MGMT), but I just love Katy's voice and the acoustics in this version. There is something deeper and more emotional about the song minus the electronic sounds. It seems so much more meaningful, like every word is a plea of sorts.


I have no idea what it is with me and songs that don't make lyrical sense, but I sure do know how to pick them. I think I am just going to run with the "electric" part of this song. There are times where I feel like I need a shock to really start experiencing life. Now, it's not to say that life isn't good, but isn't it refreshing sometimes to feel some sort of current? Something that pushes you in a direction? It can be anything, it can be a someone, it can be a comment, but most of the time, it's unexpected. 


Surprises. Not all good at first, but even with the ones that kind of suck, your life takes on an entirely new "feel." A shock to the mundane forces you to move in some way. You can't experience a jolt of energy, that something unexpected and not DO anything. At least, I can't. I think it's in those moments we can find out a little about our character. Am I going to take this in stride and see it as something potentially great and life altering? OR am I going to shut down and short circuit (oh, puns).


Just a thought. And I just love her voice with this song.


Psalm NINETEEN
Hmph. Well, I was trying to figure out where David was headed with this one, when I read verses twelve through fourteen:



"How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
      Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
      Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
      and innocent of great sin.
May the words of my mouth
      and the meditation of my heart
   be pleasing to you,
      O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."


How can I know all the sins in my heart? This is something I really need to pray about. I have been struggling recently with matters of the heart. How many times have people told me to "follow your heart" and how good of advice is that? Things I want, aren't necessarily the best things for me. I have talked about a depravity that is heavy on my, well, heart these days. Wanting to be wanted. Inherently not a bad thing, we're made for relationships, but it's how that desire is manifesting itself in my life that's corrosive.


It's kind of a hard thing realizing that my heart is wicked, especially when He knows what those desires are. I am kind of confused on the whole subject. God, You know what I want, but You also know that my heart is deceitful.

Jeremiah 17:9 (The Message): Sin Dios

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
   a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
   and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
   I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
   not as they pretend to be."


Vs.

Psalm 37:3-5 (New International Version): Con Dios

Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 
Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.


I think the disconnect is when I make my desires my idols. That, He puts passions inside of me, so that He can be glorified by my life. I think the balance comes in when I try to align my desires as hopes and dreams, not as expectations. I don't deserve anything good, but I am blessed beyond all reason. God, I pray that I can focus on the person who puts the desires there, instead of the desires themselves. I may not see, the entire messed up motivation behind why I do what I do, but I hope that I can see you. 

"May the words of my mouth

      and the meditation of my heart
   be pleasing to you,
      O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

Electric Feel

Let It Be- Carol Woods and Timothy T. Mitchum

March 28, 2011

R-O-U-G-H day.

Let It Be

It's going to be my mantra for a while...again. It seems that while following a pattern of putting myself out there only to get the same results, would make me legitimately nutzo. I keep expecting a different outcome, knowing that nothing is going to change. It's a hard thing to realize, and even harder to let go. So, I find some solace in this song.

Let it be. Three simple words, added up only made up of seven letters, but boy, taking a hold of the meaning would completely change my state of mind. I hope that I can, just let whatever it is go, but it seems almost impossible. I hate that I am still talking about this, that it is that much apart of my life. That wherever I go, I can't turn off the wheels in my head that are spinning. It's even harder when you know in your heart of hearts that forgetting is the BEST alternative. 

That being said, good thing there are a lot of trees on this here planet.

Psalm 18

This Psalm was the longest one to date, but I really liked just reading it. Over and over again I am struck by how amazing His love for me is. 

There is a word in the first set of verses that make me envision something cool, but unusual when it comes to thinking about God. In the Message translation of this Psalm, the word crag is used. Now, to be incredibly honest, the reason I have some semblance  of a definition for the word crag is from watching Nickelodeon's GUTZ. There are several spry kids, from different countries, who would compete in a series of somewhat ridiculous, but oh-so-challenging physical and/or mental tasks. At the end, really what all the challenges amounted to was your position on "The Agro-Crag", which simply put, was the most intimidating mound of fake rocks that a tween had ever encountered. Contestants would shudder internally, but rise above and shine. This, crag, was the defining moment. 

Now all of this really long, drawn out explanation of what I see when I read the word crag, is that David says: 

"My God—the high crag 

      where I run for dear life,
      hiding behind the boulders,
      safe in the granite hideout"
Take that super intense, amazingly strong Agro-Crag, and turn it into protection. Not a mountain of fear, but of refuge. God, is big, and that's very understated. God, can seem really intimidating and kind of overwhelming, but all of this, out of all the things we don't understand, we can take heart in the fact that He is for us. He is the "bedrock" of where we put our faith, hopes, dreams, fears, regrets. 


David goes on throughout the Psalm talking of the things that get him down. Yes, in true songwriter's fashion, he plays up the dramatics and eloquently discusses his fears and enemies, but all the while he is acknowledging the greatness and hugeness of God. It's truly a wonderful depiction of how awesome He is. It's encouraging and edifying. A great thing about the Bible, and especially they Old Testament (I think at least), is that you get to see a different side of God's character. I love the promise and hope that the New Testament offers, but in the Old Testament, you can see God working, all the while. Seeing people's faith back then, is that much more refreshing. Jesus was God walking among us, the Holy Spirit is God in us, and in the Old Testament is God setting up to fulfill all of His promises. Three wonderful parts of an equally wonderful God.


The thing about this Psalm, is that there are days when I need to sit back and bask in the greatness of God and see over and over that He's got it. He's got me. 


"Live, God! Blessings from my Rock,
      my free and freeing God, towering!
   This God set things right for me
      and shut up the people who talked back.
   He rescued me from enemy anger,
      he pulled me from the grip of upstarts,
   He saved me from the bullies.
That's why I'm thanking you, God,
      all over the world.
   That's why I'm singing songs
      that rhyme your name.
   God's king takes the trophy;
      God's chosen is beloved.
   I mean David and all his children—
      always." (Psalm 18: 46-50)


Let It Be

Love Lost- The Temper Trap

March 27, 2011

Back in Boone. Sad, but excited all at the same time. He's so great, and music is wonderful.

Love Lost

Oh boy. This song, albeit infectious, is unfortunately the way I am living my life. It's unfortunate because I should have let this go so daggum long ago. The poor proverbial dead horse has been beaten, repeatedly. It has been tarred and feathered and drug through the street. It has been quartered and ground up for dog food. It has been scientifically regenerated so that it can go through the ringer three or four more times. I guess the moral of the story is either I'm super persistent and it will pay off, or I am in for a lot of hurt and wall building.

But, on a less dramatic note, the song is really great. I listened to it on repeat for about half of my drive back from Nashville. I think one of my favorite parts of the song is "I promise." I think it's because I'm looking for that sort of security. I promise I'll take care of you. I promise I care about you. I promise you'll be safe. I promise. I haven't been in this predicament before, but it's a tough one to get out of. 

Seeing someone for who they are. The good and the bad, and pulling for the greatness you know is there. Selfishly, wanting to be the reason they step up, and cynically telling yourself it will never turn out that way. I want this song to come into fruition with a hopeful heart, but my head is all fuddled. 

"Our love was lost, but now we've found it.

In the rubble are all the things

That you've, you've been dreaming of

Keep me in mind

When you're ready

I am here 

To take you every time"

Oh to be twenty and a silly girl. Take your best shot.

Psalm 17

I have kind of been struggling with my prayers recently. I was talking to Amo about this today, there are days where I feel like I am just talking to no one. I mean, I have faith that He is there and that He is listening, but why? I don't have a ton of important things to say. I have my fair share of upsets in the day, but nothing too note worthy. I definitely don't have armies and scary fathers-in-law after me like David.

But then I think, You do listen. All the time, to everything. No matter how ridiculous, small, angry, judgmental, happy, thankful thing I have to say. I am just reminded that You do care and that when You're silent "You are listening, not abandoning" (Bradley Hathaway Silence). And although my enemies may not seem as intimidating and immediate as David's, they are totally out there. Maybe not as much in people, as in temptations.

In Matthew, Jesus teaches the disciples how to go about praying. Not in a theatrical way, as to draw attention, but in a quiet place to focus on the conversation. God, I'm not trying to show off how great at praying I am, but I do need a little help. I know You're there, but at times it would be so reassuring to feel You. I can spurt out cerebral things about You, but it's those times where I am so sure of You, that seem to be lacking. Gah, get me out of my own way. 

Prayer via David (The MSG):

"And me? I plan on looking

      you full in the face. When I get up,

   I'll see your full stature

      and live heaven on earth." Psalm 17: 15

Love Lost

Skinny Love (Das Kapital Rerub)- Bon Iver

March 24-26, 2011

I didn't get a chance to post last night because I am currently in Nashville, Tn. I love this place with my whole heart, and I love the girl who resides here exponentially more! Famous Amos, Amo, or just good ole Amy Lynn. She's one of my best friends and I am so glad that I only live five hours from her, as opposed to the dreadful ten I was last semester. It's been a journey, but I am so thankful that she's in my life, in a big way. Gah! She has no idea how much she means to me. I love you Amo. There are so many things that I am grateful for, that I see in my best friend. She loves in her own way, and those who get to experience her just being herself are few. I am so glad that God has put her in my life, and I hope that we're together for a long time. She better be thinking long term, I've got just the spot for her in my weddin party.

I love you so much Amy Ergle, thank you for letting me be your friend and sleep on your couch. 

Skinny Love (re-re-remix)

This is the remix of Bon Iver's "Skinny Love." I really really like the original, but this one really grows on you after a while. I wasn't sure how I felt about it the first couple times I heard it, but after about my tenth listen, I can't get the beat out of my head. Bum..chh..bum bum...ch. I heard this on Morgan Cogswell's mixtapes, and immediately wanted more and more Bon Iver. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the cash flow for acquiring such things. 

Anywho...the lyrics. The song is off an album that is written for a specific person. (oh to have an album written about me, that may be a scary thing) But there are a couple verses that I really like. 

I was talking with someone about this song and I told them that these lyrics didn't make much sense to me, and he replied with "well they mean something to Bon Iver." I think that's one of the most inadvertently enlightened things I have ever heard. Why? So many times we write off what people say when we don't understand. Just because we have no clue what they mean by what they say, doesn't mean that it isn't important to them or worth listening to. And on that note, how many important things have we let go of or not heard because we were too wrapped up to understand.

The most profound things can come from the most random of places, we just have to be listening closely enough to see their merit.

Psalms 14-16

I was in Nashville this weekend so I didn't really get the chance to write, so I am playing catch up on three Psalms. I am not sure how this is going to go down, but let's see what He does.

14

Psalm 14 is pretty ballsy of David, if I do say so myself. He is attacking the people (believers) around him, and he's not holding back. He's saying that they are trying to be their own gods, the makers of their own destiny. I've said it before, but when i plan my life away, where is there room for God to be Lord of my life...There isn't. But as bleak as David makes it look for those who are not following God's words or even acknowledging that He is speaking to them, He tells those of faith that God's got everything under control. "Is there anyone to save Israel?"

"Yes. God is around, God turns life around.

Turned-around Jacob skips rope.

Turned-around Israel sings laughter." (Psalm 14: 7 The MSG)

Fifteen

David seems to like the party analogy, because he uses it again here. He is asking how to get invited to God's sweet shindig, I don't know who wouldn't want to be invited to that. The next few verses go on to outline what a life lived for God should look like.

 "Walk straight,
      act right,
         tell the truth. Don't hurt your friend,
      don't blame your neighbor;
         despise the despicable. Keep your word even when it costs you,
      make an honest living,
         never take a bribe."

These are all pretty simple things to do, but I do want to reiterate that a life lived like this is one of proof. Proof that I am loved by an amazing savior. We mess up, He knows that, but He calls us to be better than this world. He calls us to be His, and with His help we are. Loved until the ends of time.

Diez y seis

Psalm fifteen was a good segue into Psalm sixteen. David just talked about what a life lived with Him should look like, and goes on to sing about the greatness of the God that loves him.

He is basking in awe of God and what He has done and what He means in his own life. "Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing." Have ever just sat back and been in complete and utter awe of God? Why, yes. Do I do it enough...probably not. If I did, I would smile more and be bolder. Looking at God with eyes that see Him as limitless, really changes how you see day-to-day life. 

Putting Him in a box not only makes Him smaller, but you more unhappy. And living the opposite...well that would just look amazing, full of opportunity, and allows you to see the littlest glimpse of how intense He is.

"I will bless the Lord who guides me;

      even at night my heart instructs me.
 I know the Lord is always with me.

      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
      My body rests in safety.
 ¹⁰ For you will not leave my soul among the dead
      or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
 ¹¹ You will show me the way of life,
      granting me the joy of your presence

      and the pleasures of living with you forever" (Psalm 16: 7-11 NLT)

I'm going to Heaven!

Skinny Love-Rerub